Children as Confidantes.

When my boys were growing up I know that I would share my feelings and thoughts with them all the time, but I now question whether I should have done.
Was I sounding them out, looking for an adult opinion?
After all , they were children and I am quite sure not at all interested in whether I needed to do this that or the other.
Was I putting undue responsibility on their young shoulders?
I think it is an easy trap to fall in.
When a relationship breakdown occurs involving either your son or daughter, it is so, so easy to fan the flames to become judgemental about one or the other parent.
We can and do burden children with all sorts of unpleasantness.
It is hard enough for them to know that no longer are they going to be living as the family they once were, that fundamental change is about to happen.
What ever has gone on with their Mum and Dad the children still love them both just the same.
 We go through, all sorts of emotions when one of our children are going through separation/divorce, we are parents after all and we still want to protect out children from being hurt, even if they are adults.
In a way we have to keep our distance and not get embroiled in the turmoil that might ensue, we need to be there as a constant stabilising influence for the children.
Well, doing it is not always the case.
I certainly spoke out of turn, said things that I shouldn't have said to my granddaughter, I spoke to her as though she was an adult expecting her to give me adult responses, when her Mum and Dad had separated.
She was trying to deal with her Mum and Dad living in a different city from each other, she had half her family at one end of the country and the other half at the other end, she was dealing with different people coming into her life, but at that time, she still loved everyone just the same.
Children are children for such a short time they must not be burdened with adult issues, they must be allowed to grow and flourish in what can be at times a bewildering world.
Separation and divorce, is a difficult and traumatic thing for the whole family all members of that family need support and understanding to enable them to move through the process knowing that everyone is working to the same ends.
Conflict achieves nothing, except pain and suffering.
When you next find yourself in using children as your confidante, think again.

Jane
www.bristolgrandparentssupportgroup.co.uk