We all find ourselves in this living bereavement of lost contact constantly asking ourselves questions. Why? How? What did we do? There are so many more.
Of course we can go on and on asking these questions, perhaps never finding the answers.
Grandparents will often say, I will never forgive and forget, either my son/daughter or son-in-law/daughter-in-law for what they have done.
Ok, so if we carry around this thought what is it doing to us?
Firstly, for me, forgiveness and forgetting are two completely different things.
To forgive someone for their actions, in fact can release us from those thoughts that eat away at us daily, hurting us, it has no effect on the perpetrators.
We will never forget what has happened, it is part of our life.
So how do we start the forgiveness process?
In the book by Desmond Tutu, below, it is suggested that we use a fourfold path to help to heal ourselves.
This is my slant on it.
We need to look at what has happened in the form of it being our story, so get yourself a book or journal to write in, begin your story as you would when writing any story, with a beginning a middle and an end.
It can be as long or short as you like, it is your story so it is personal, don't think about spelling, grammar ect just write it down as it is, be truthful and honest.
So you will have characters, places and events.
Once that is done, then write down how everything in your story is effecting your life.
This part may be the most difficult part, I didn't say it was easy, time for the forgiveness part. The problem of not forgiving in our own minds, has such a detrimental affect on us all, we become almost governed by it. We might be constantly angry looking for retribution of some sort.
But is that the answer, to wish the perpetrators of this harm?
When we reach the place that we can say, "Ok, I forgive you, and wish you no harm." ~ I don't mean that you have to actually say this to them, it is about you, and what is going on inside your head~
you can then mentally be released from all of the hurt.
Now I know that many will read this and shout very loudly at their computers, it is just an idea that I think is worth thinking about.
I speak to so many grandparents who are ill, have considered ending their lives because they can't face life without their grandchildren, people who are desperately looking for something to hang on to. I always say that we have to self protect this is just another tool that might help someone.
As I say at the beginning of this post, we may be able to forgive, for us to move on, but we will not forget.
Ask any of the old soldiers who were recently involved in the D Day commemorations, they forgive but they never forget.
( Must just apologise, as it has been noted that I get my grammar, spelling, effects and affects muddled up, in the nicest possible way, but I write as thoughts come into my head!)
here is the link to Desmond Tutu book:
The Book of Forgiving: The Fourfold Path for Healing Ourselves and Our World
Jane
www.bristolgrandparentssupportgroup.co.uk
